I realize that it has been awhile since I have posted. Please forgive me for I have not been able to think of a way to express my feelings verbally but I will do my best.
In just half an hour, Florida time, my daddy will have been sent to his home in heaven a month ago. Sometimes I really can’t believe it. I find myself thinking some days that maybe I just haven’t talked to him for a couple of days or hours and try his cell phone but the only response I hear is him saying his name, “Kurt Rohde” and then it hits me…again. (soon that won’t even be available to hear…) I know that he has passed and is with our Lord in heaven but it is just so hard to want to recognize that thought. I think about my family all the time and think of how they are doing and dealing with all of this but am too afraid to bring it up because I don’t want to cause any more sadness than there needs to be. But then I think of my Daddy and the sadness overcomes me. I tear up every time I hear a Billy Joel song, but listen to it anyway and try to sing along through the tears. I tear up every time I see a card with a Basset Hound on it or anything that reminds me of dad. And I hold my pug close to me every night, just praying that he will come to me in a dream and to know he is looking down on us, as I know he is.
It is hard to believe that a month and a day ago, I was saying goodbye to my one and only Dad. I was holding his hand and kissing his head telling him how much I loved him and how I would take care of everyone… and now I can’t even feel him. I can’t tell him I love him and hear him say it back to me… I can’t blow him a kiss even thought I knew he didn’t always realize what he was doing, he still did it until about the last week…he blew those kisses right back to me. It kills me to have to go through the holidays without him but I know he is in a better place. I even tried to stay extra busy on Thanksgiving and made a bunch of food and stuff for Jon’s Marine buddies and his cousin but not all of them seemed to appreciate it and that killed me. It’s like it made that day 10x harder than it had to be. And of course, Jon and I have finally found a church we both really like but this last Sunday I had to actually walk out of the service because I was about to cry hysterically and would rather do it in the bathroom than in the sanctuary. I know it’s only going to get harder as the month progresses but I just can’t help to think I wish Dad could be here…
I’m sorry I don’t mean to just vent all of this out but I’m just speaking from the heart. I miss my dad. What I wouldn’t give to have him back in my life and just hear him say, Hi Meggie…one more time.
I hope you all are having a good holiday season. Please keep myself and my family in your prayers as we go through our first holiday without him and as always thank you for the kind messages. They mean so much to me. Miss you
With love…
I love you and think about you everyday. I know today is one of those “harder” days and I wish I could give you a hug so since I can’t stretch that far, I am sending a virtual hug to you today.
xoxo
Love you,
Connie
[...] than rehash the sentiments common to all of my family and so thoughtfully laid out by my sister and my wife, I thought I would address a particularly vexing feeling I’ve been facing for a [...]
Sweetie, It is a very difficult time for you…..and it will continue to be that way. I wish I could tell you that after 1 or 2 months, things get better….they may get a little easier, but you will ALWAYS miss your Dad. Just remind yourself it hurts so bad because you loved each other so much! I think of you every day and love you just as often! I love you very much hon!